Autism and Relationships
4th September 2019
Every relationship has it’s struggles and difficult moments. Being in a long-term relationship, married or living together can pose many unique challenges; one partner may never do the washing up, and the other may always leave their hair in the shower plug. Relationships are all about compromise and accepting that other people may have different preferences, and different ways of doing things; a difficult concept for most people to get their heads around. However, for some people on the autistic spectrum, relationships can be especially challenging for a variety of reasons.
Here we will explore some of the commonly reported challenges faced by some couples with one (or more) partner(s) on the autistic spectrum and some tips on how to promote understanding and compromise in these relationships. This is of course not to say that autistic people cannot have happy relationships or be brilliant partners. Many autistic people manage family life and marriage very successfully and will not relate to these experiences. However, these are just a few of the common issues that can arise in a neurodiverse relationship.
Communication and emotional support
The challenge:
Frequently in relationships we communicate with our partners via non-verbal cues, and expect them to recognise if we are upset, angry or would like help without telling them directly. However, some autistic people may struggle with interpreting these behavioural cues, and be less sensitive to body language, facial expressions or tone of voice. Therefore, they may sometimes miss when their partner is seeking reassurance or comfort and thus not provide the wanted support. Whilst this is not due to indifference, and is rather caused by a misunderstanding, it can of course cause some distress for both parties when it is perceived that an autistic partner is not being sensitive to their partner’s emotions, feelings or needs.
What might help:
It may be helpful for the partner of an autistic person to speak calmly and directly to them about any needs or wants they have in their relationship rather than relying on non-verbal communication. This can be difficult to adjust to at first, but simply explaining what you need and why may make the world of difference. This can be useful both for practical needs, such as helping with the cooking, or emotional needs, such as wanting a hug or to sit and talk about a problem. It is often not the case that an autistic person is unable to provide the desired support, or doesn’t want to, but rather they just may not be aware that it is wanted.
A great example of this can be found on the autism.org website where one autistic man describes an experience of when he first started living with his wife. As she never directly asked for help with the cooking or household chores, he did not realise for several months that she might appreciate help until she asked him directly. I’m sure we can all understand how this may have been frustrating for his wife, and may have seemed like he was being lazy or avoiding the job. However, it was simply mis-match in communication style that lead to this issue, and it may be easily avoided in the future with a few adjustments.
Sensory difficulties
The challenge:
Many autistic people experience sensory difficulties which can lead to a range of behaviours from sensation seeking to sensation avoiding. For example, some autistic people may struggle with strong smells, finding these unpleasant and unbearable, and may avoid them wherever possible. This may in turn limit whether their partner can cook strongly smelling foods or wear perfume. Alternatively, another autistic person may struggle with the texture of clothing or bedsheets, and therefore need these materials to be a certain softness or smoothness or else they may be unable to relax or sleep.
These sensory difficulties may be extremely obvious to others, or in other cases they may be far more difficult to identify. Some autistic people may even go all day at work managing their sensory environment, with overpowering smells, noises and lights in their office, but then feel very overwhelmed and need to come home and avoid sensory input for a few hours on their own.
These behaviours can be very difficult to understand for someone not on the autistic spectrum, and it may require a lot of work and adjustment on the part of a partner to keep up with these needs. It may be frustrating to some that their partner needs this calm down time and therefore isn’t available to spend quality time with them, or help with household tasks when they get home from work.
Furthermore, a sensitivity to touch may make it difficult for an autistic person to show physical displays of affection, such as kissing, hugging or holding hands. These actions which may feel comforting to neurotypical people may feel very uncomfortable or unnatural to an autistic person. One report from Dave Stergo, an autistic man speaking to abc.net describes being touched as “like they’ve burnt me, it’s that intense”. Based on experiences like this, you can understand why an autistic partner may avoid physical closeness, however, this can justifiably be upsetting for some neurotypical partners who may miss this sort of physical affection in their relationship or wish to be physically comforted.
What might help:
Sensory sensitivities are very unique and individual to each person, so it might be helpful to sit down as a couple and work out exactly what triggers you can identify. It may be that things that an autistic partner may just seem ‘fussy’ about (for example, not liking certain foods) actually reflects a sensory trigger that they find difficult (such as ‘furry’ textures on a raspberry). Once these triggers are identified it may be easier to then figure out a plan for how to manage them. Compromise is key here; perhaps unscented detergents could be used in the household wash, and perfume could only be worn on special occasions when not with your partner.
It could helpful to keep a room in your house designated for your partner that they are able to go to when they are feeling overwhelmed. This could be designed especially for them and their sensory needs; for example, it could be dark and without clutter. This may enable them to have their calm down time and help them to better manage their sensory needs during the rest of their day.
Dealing with change
The challenge:
Some autistic people may have quite rigid routines and rules which govern their daily living. For example; they may always boil the kettle for their coffee before they go and get dressed every morning, or get in the shower at 7am. This may be very important for them to help reduce uncertainty in their day and alleviate their anxiety. They may have done this undisturbed for years whilst they lived alone and thus never realised how important this routine is to them. However, when they move in with a partner, this routine may become a lot more difficult to uphold. They may come back into the kitchen after getting dressed to find that their partner has used all their boiled water, or they may have to wait to use the bathroom in the morning. Whilst to their partner these things can seem relatively minor, this change in routine can cause a lot of distress for some autistic people and therefore may lead to tension in the relationship.
Similarly, changes to the physical environment of the house such as the layout of furniture, new pictures on the walls and new clothes in the wardrobe, may be difficult to manage for some autistic people. This may lead partners to not be able to put their own mark on their shared space, and incorporate their own belongings into a house, again potentially causing some friction.
What might help:
Being aware of the important parts of your autistic partner’s routine may in some cases be essential so that you can plan your own day without causing too much change. However, change is an inevitable part of life, and sometimes it will be necessary to interrupt your partner’s routine. So, if a change is coming and cannot be avoided, it may help to organise it together and agree some support strategies. Preparing well in advance may help to alleviate some of the anxiety that may arise, and knowing about and expecting the change will definitely help to reduce some of the shock factor when the day comes. Visual representations of change can be very helpful here; for example, a weekly calendar could be written on a whiteboard for your partner to use to remind themselves that an unusual event is coming.
This of course not an exhaustive list of challenges that may arise in a neurodiverse relationship. Whilst we hope these tips may be helpful, they are only a few examples of challenges that some autistic people and their partners commonly report.
Again, this is not to say that autistic people cannot have successful relationships. It is essential to remember that every autistic person is unique and individual, and challenges that one person may face in their relationship could be entirely different to another person’s experiences. It may be useful to seek counselling or other support if you or your partner are facing difficulties, to work through your feelings together and identify some possible coping strategies that work for you.
For advice around this topic, please see the National Autistic Society website here: https://www.autism.org.uk/about/family-life/partners.aspx.
References
https://iancommunity.org/cs/articles/relationships
https://network.autism.org.uk/knowledge/insight-opinion/autism-relationships-and-marriage
http://www.healthtalk.org/peoples-experiences/autism/life-autism-spectrum/love-autism
https://www.autism.org.uk/about/family-life/partners.aspx
https://www.autism.org.uk/about/behaviour/obsessions-repetitive-routines.aspx
https://www.autism.org.uk/about/behaviour/sensory-world.aspx