Your End, My Beginning…
14th March 2019
Suicide is an immensely heart-rendering, complex issue that touches the lives of millions per year. One of those lives is mine. My cousin would have been 22 today (exactly one month YOUNGER than me, much to his disgust) and would be down the pub with his friends, drink in hand, smile on his face.
Charlie took his own life back in 2016. We were left heavy hearted and full of questions with our lives turned upside down. I don’t think I will every fully come to terms with what happened and know that this isn’t uncommon in those who have been affected by suicide.
There is no one reason for an individual to take their own life. It is likely to be a build up of a number of factors that cause someone to feel like they have no other way out. However, the most frustrating thing is that one of the biggest and most effective ways to prevent suicide is to simply talk…open up the conversation.
This will come easier to some than it will to others, if you are worried that someone in your life is having suicidal thoughts, below are tips on how to talk to them:
Let’s get the conversation started.
Say the word: Discussing someone’s suicidal thoughts does not make them more likely to act on them. If they say they tell you they are feeling down, ask them if they have thought about hurting or killing themselves. Keep your voice steady, do not rush, create a sense of calm and hold that calm throughout the conversation. You can not make a person feel suicidal by showing them that you care. The right words are unimportant- your concern will come across in your voice and manner.
Don’t do all the talking: Your role here is to let them know they are not alone, they matter and you truly want to hear how they are feeling. No matter what they have to say, no matter how ‘dark’ the conversation may become. Ask them how certain things make them feel and what they need or want you to do. Whilst you should never dismiss how someone is feeling, let them know that these feelings won’t last forever (although right now, they probably won’t believe you). Your role is to make them feel valued and cared for.
Make it happen: Do not wait for the ‘right time’; there is never going to be one. The closest you will get to the ‘right time’ is the time that you create. Be in a safe, comfortable and familiar environment; somewhere you won’t be interrupted.
Make a plan with them: Once you’ve had a chat, try to get an understanding of their emotional state. If they are not suicidal and you feel okay about them being on their own: make plans to do activities together over the coming weeks and make sure they arrange an appointment with their local GP. If they are suicidal and you don’t feel comfortable leaving them: Don’t. Be with them, seek advice from professionals such as GP’s or suicide charities like the Samaritans (24/7 phone line: 116 123).
Stick around: Suicide prevention is not confined just one conversation; if someone close to you is vulnerable, they need long-term support. Face-to-face contact is ideal, but not always possible. This will not be a one person job. As soon as you are aware someone is suicidal, take steps to reach out to their friends and family to offer as much support as possible.
Be non-judgemental, be empathetic, be patient, be calm and be accepting. They are doing the right thing by talking about their feelings, and you are doing the right thing by listening.
A suicidal person might not ask for help, but this does not mean that help is not wanted. Talking openly about suicidal thoughts and feelings saves lives.
Possible ways to start a conversation about suicide:
“I’ve been concerned about you lately.”
“Recently, I have noticed a few changes in you and I wondered how you are doing?.”
“I wanted to check in with you as you haven’t seemed quite yourself lately.”
Questions that you can ask:
“When did these feeling begin?”
“Was there something that happened to make you start feeling this way?”
“How can I be a support to you right now?”
“Have you thought about speaking to anyone like your doctor?”
What you can say that might help:
“You’ll never be in this on your own. I’m here for you.”
“You may not believe it now, but these feelings will eventually change and go away.”
“I may not understand exactly how you feel, but I care and want to help you.”
“Call me anytime.”
Suicide awareness and prevention is hugely important, but what is often overlooked is ‘postvention’ after suicide, which can also be used as a preventer in its own right. The main aim of postvention is to support and comfort those affected by suicide; and reduce the possibility of ‘copycat suicide’. Interventions for after suicide recognise that those left bereaved may be vulnerable to suicidal behaviours themselves and can often develop complicated grief reactions. More information on postvention is readily available online, organisations and companies should all have postvention plans in place in order to support individuals at a time when they need it most.
Pain mixed with anger, guilt, and feelings of regret makes for a very bitter drink, the taste of which can take several months- even years- to wash out.
Samaritans:
Tel: 116 123 (24 hour, free to call)
Email: Jo@samaritans.org
Mind Infoline:
Tel: 0300 123 3393 (9am-6pm Mon-Fri)
Text: 86463
Rethink Mental Illness Advice Line:
Tel: 0300 5000 927 (9:30-4pm Mon-Fri)